What I Learned From American Idol

1. Never sing a song with the word "home" in the title.  Examples:  "I'm going home", "Home Sweet Home", etc.  This should go unsaid.

2.  If you want to know ahead of time whether or not you've gotten through to the auditions because you're great or because you're terrible, just take a look at your song choice  If it's by Britney Spears or Madonna, you're toast.  If it's a song by Leonard Cohen, you'll be praised to no end, and you better take it all in because now that you've whipped out "Hallelujah" for the first round, you don't have anywhere to go but down.

3.  American Idol is now "Take a song and completely re-do it so it's not even recognizable anymore" Idol.  I heard someone refer to it once as "Song-Arrangement Idol".  Maybe we have David Cook to thank for this, but I get the feeling that all future winners will be held up to this standard.  It will not come down to who's the most talented singer but, rather, who can change up a song the most.  Never mind the fact that the winner is going to immediately be drained of all creativity the second the confetti falls and the contracts begin, and so how creative they are is really irrelevant.

3. In the words of Kara, contestants are better off sticking to "Early Aerosmith", like "Cryin" and "Crazy", and leaving "Late Aerosmith", like "Dream On", alone.

4.  Each year, the judges seem to talk more and the contestants seem to sing less.  By the year 2012, American Idol will become "Yakkity Yak Yak Yak Idol".

5.  Don't beg.  Don't backtalk.  Just take the criticism and smile.

6.  Don't do Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston.  There's no glory in doing a second-rate performance of a second-rate song.

7.  Don't do Michael Jackson.  He's dead.  He can't defend himself.

8.  Most American Idol episodes could easily be twenty minutes shorter, with some judicious editing here and there.  But editing and American Idol apparently aren't on a first name basis...

9.  ...because, you know, Rod Stewart's performance during the finale in 2009 was five to ten minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Here are some American Idol archetypes to watch out for:

The Adam ---  A hyped up idol contestant who can "sing the phone book".  Ambiguously gay.

The Kris ----  Dark horse.  Starts off with almost no exposure, but quickly picks up momentum.  Usually drives the teenyboppers crazy. Good friends of the Adam.  Ambiguously heterosexual.

The Gokey --- Early frontrunner who loses momentum as the competition progresses.  Relies on early exposure to keep him going.  "So white you can't be seen with him after Labor Day".  Sorry, I read that about him somewhere, and it's funny because it's true.  Good friend of himself. 

The David/David Dichotomy ---  A finale that pits the edgy rocker who likes to switch things up against the non-threatening boy, best exemplified by David Cook vs. David Archuleta in 2008.  It could have been a one time thing, but then there was Kris and Adam in 2009.

The Jason Castro---  A contestant who's cute, and a decent musician, but doesn't seem to take the contest seriously.  He gets eliminated after trying his hand at "Bob Dylan".  Need I say more.

The Carly ---  A girl who's really talented, but has too many tattoos to get much farther than Top 6.

The Brooke ---  An "emotionally fragile" contestant who's been through so much, but is just so grateful to have the chance to show off her talent to the world.

Here's what the judges mean when they say certain things:

"You Can Sing the Phonebook" --- I wasn't really digging that song, but you're so good, I don't even care that the song was crap.

"Clumsy"  ---  Awkward, not good

"Package Artist" ---  You're not the most talented person in the world, but your albums will be selling like hotcakes, and that's what we like to see.

"That was just all right for me"  ----  You're in danger of going home tomorrow.

"It was like eating ice for lunch"  ----  I didn't get much out of that performance.  It left me wanting more.

"It's like what Adam would have done last year" ----  It's not really like anything Adam has ever done, but it was fantastic, and I loved it, and I loved Adam last year, so it was just like something Adam would have done.

"Unfortunately"  ---  Whenever Ryan or Simon says this, you can be sure they're about to deliver good news.